d'arcy starr

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 03:07:54 GMT

if my count is correct, i've got about 23 days left in connecticut. 16 of those days will be spent working, 3 of them will be partying up in vermont with my girlfriends, 1 will be getting my arm somewhat finished, and the remaining 2 will be purging/packing.

i love/hate packing to move. love it because it gives me a chance to weed through all the unnecessaries.. those "things" that have spent years in boxes but i still justify holding onto. and i hate it because it's annoying, overwhelming and my little ocd-ish self wants everything to be perfectly organized.

i packed up most of my clothes and left only what i felt i might wear within the next 23 days. i'll probably wear 1/4 of that. i wanted to pack up everything but since i can't do that right now, i decided to add all my cds to my itunes library and get them ready for a record/cd sale a couple weeks from now. i'd like to get rid of as much as possible (books, records and some knick-knacks aside) before we leave. purge purge purge.

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 23:51:15 GMT

four more weeks before we ship out the crate, jump in the jetta and trek across the country to our new home in san francisco, ca.

i can't fucking wait.

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 22:01:12 GMT

I just booked my flight out to Seattle to meet my dad. This is so crazy. I wasn't nervous until I received my receipt and flight confirmation. Now, I'm nervous. Mike's coming with me, so that will set me at ease a bit. We're flying on May 5th around 9:30a, we'll get to Seattle around 2:30p and probably galavant there a little bit before going south to my dad's. At some point, we're driving 12 hours to San Francisco mainly to check it out, but it's also my "safe trip" incase things get weird. I don't see why they would but I'm a nervous wreck about this "dad" business. Awkward situations are not my forte.. I don't know how to handle them. I'm staying positive, but I don't know these people whatsoever, so I might as well have some fun things planned.

I'm so excited!

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 23:51:23 GMT

I lost my voice. It's so irritating. Ironically, I lose it the night/day I feel like talking a lot. Ten more minutes and I'm done with work til Monday. YES!

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 13:58:07 GMT

6 MORE MONTHS!

And then I can kiss Connecticut goodbye once and for all!

I have a ridiculous schedule but it's a good one. I got accepted to do a work study at the yoga studio SO for 5 hours of work a week I get FREE unlimited yoga a month. WooO! It will save me a lot of money, plus I'm already in the area cos of Grand Vin, so why not. It is dizzying to look at my calendar though..

Monday: T - 9:00a-10:00am, Grand Vin 10:20a-5:00p, Work study 5:30p-7:30p, Yoga 7:30p-9:00p.
Tuesday: Work study 9:00a-12:00p, 12:10p-8:00p.
Wednesday: Rudy's 11:30-4p, Yoga 5:30p-7:00p.
Thursday: T - 9:00a-10:00p, Rudy's 11:30-4p, Grand Vin 4p-8p
Friday: Yoga 9:15a-10:30a, Grand Vin 12p-8p
Saturday: Yoga 9:30a-11:00a - BREAK!! - Rudy's 5p-9p
Sunday: OFF :)

This Sunday I have to work at Rudy's during the St. Patty's Day Parade... I am not looking forward to even a second of it. I just hope I walk away with a good amount of money because I'm really bummed.

I don't think I'll continue bar tending when I get out to SF unless I REALLY need to.

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 00:33:48 GMT

I used to have 4 big boxes full of "sentimental crap", as I labeled it. When I moved in with Steph, those 4 boxes became 3. When I moved in with Mike, those 3 boxes became 2. I did a lot of purging in between, but there were some things I just couldn't see myself losing. I used to hold onto a lot more - I had every movie ticket from every movie I ever went to. I was able to get rid of most but I couldn't throw away the one where I had my first kiss, the first movie I ever saw with so-and-so. Most of the things I had a hard time getting rid of were things directly correlated with my five years with Brendan. I had drawings that Issy and Willy made me when they were three/four years old. I had an unbelievably sweet birthday card his younger brother, Devlin, wrote me for my 21st birthday. I had every Christmas/birthday card his dad and step-mom ever wrote me. I even had some things Brendan had written me. Most of those I threw away in a fit of fury when I was living with Steph.. mainly from our first couple years together. But I was still holding onto a letter he typed up on his typewriter a couple days after we decided to end our relationship. I also had the last birthday note he ever made me. I think I held onto that one because I only received one birthday note in the five I celebrated with him.

These were all pretty much locked up in a beat up Opici Wine box in my basement, never to really see the light of day. Unfortunately, having a box like that and when I do open it (every five/six months), I tend to tear it apart, looking at everything, feeling everything, analyzing everything.. and I wanted to put all of that to rest, finally. I don't want it in my life ever again. It was an experience and it's over.

So I took every thing, every little thing, that in any way shape or form reminded me of those years with him and I threw them on the fire and I watched them burn and holy shit.. to say I felt free is an understatement. I sat there giggling to myself while all these bits and pieces curled and cracked and turned to embers then ash. I looked borderline pyro-psycho, I'm sure. But wow... what a relief. I feel brand new.

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 22:28:39 GMT

last night i put my noise maker on "crickets". when i closed my eyes i thought it was summer. i could "see" the green grass, the leaves on the trees, the moon, the ocean, everything. i was sad to wake up to winter again, but it did feel like spring today, so that was nice. a nice tease.

i kind of messed up my ankle, knee, and elbow. not too bad. but i went ape shit at the gym the other night (after that really angry post) and pushed myself much too hard. i did a whole lot of speed (jump) roping, kicked/punched the shit (like i said i was going to) out of the bag, then lifted free weights like crazy. i didn't really do anything properly (except jump roping) so my joints were a little messed up over the weekend. i start my 4 week yoga series tomorrow night. thank god. i switched my monday and tuesday nights so i could do it. i'm kind of bummed because i can't go to yoga tonight with mike since i'm working, but it's alright, i'd rather just focus on the series.

it's crazy to think in six/seven months we'll (finally) be leaving connecticut. i can't wait.

i'm going to ruin everything..

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 17:05:16 GMT

so, it's better my sweet that we hover like bees, 'cause there's no sure footing.

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 17:58:41 GMT

i am trying, oh so hard, to be patient. if only UNH had sent my transcript back in OCTOBER, when I PAID them to. but no, it "got lost in the mail", so I didn't realize until I called SCSU mid-December asking why I hadn't heard anything about my acceptance status and they kindly informed me they still needed my UNH crap. UNH mails it late December and it takes 2 weeks or so to even process the transcript (or whatever), so I didn't even get ACCEPTED until January 14th and classes start January 26th. bologna. some people have suggested i shouldn't have "waited til the last minute". really? early october? last minute? next time i'll apply in june.

grrrr.

i just sent out an overnight/certified letter/check to pay my albertus loan, in full.
i won't be able to get a letter from AMC until monday, tuesday, or thursday, stating that i've done so.
i have called the bursar's office repeatedly at UNH regarding my UNH loan. the one (there's only one) person who deals with them is either really busy or ignoring me. i finally got an email address and now i'm waiting for at the very least, an email.
i have a meeting with the academic advisor from my major, tomorrow at 9 am. she'll probably say you can take such and such class but i can't even register because as soon as i do, i'll have to fork over money for the classes.. and i'm all out of money. i can't even talk to the bursar's office at SCSU until i know how much my classes are going to be.. which i can't know until i find out what classes i can take.
i gave away my shift at rudy's today so i could run around like a madwoman, which i have been doing since 8.30am. i've pulled in and out of my driveway three times already, and i'm about to leave again in fifteen minutes.
on top of all this, i realized my car is STILL sitting at saturn waiting to be junked. i tried to donate it to easter seals but they never returned my phone call or replied to the online form i filled out. fine.
i have this guy who's going to give me $100 for my car to junk it. i'll take it. my car is made of plastic and doesn't run, $100 is just fine.
i made a hair appointment for today, about two weeks ago, i should cancel it because right now it's probably not the most responsible thing to do, but fuck responsibility.. really. i have done nothing but work, work, work and squirrel away money for three months. some people go out and have a beer, i go and change my hair.
i am crossing my fingers that by this time next week i will be enrolled in either 1 or 2 classes, i'm hoping for two, with no loose ends to tie. all set, all done. then i can go crazy from my schedule.. but at least it'll be all done.

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 16:10:10 GMT

i was thinking of deleting this journal until i saw that i've had it since 2004. from 2004-july 2007 i would much rather forget and if i thought deleting this would also delete what's stored in those secret compartments up top, it would've been done months ago. i'm going to be undergoing EMDR within the next couple of weeks. a sort of rewiring of the brain. something that i'm fascinated by (purely outside of patient status). if i was better at math and all the other scientific jumbo that goes along with it, i would be a neurologist, no contest. i'm hoping for the best, but i'm a tad nervous of what may be unleashed.. on the other hand, unless i know what i'm dealing with, i can't begin to heal and i really need to get this show on the road.

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 13:46:59 GMT

i got through the holidays, yet again. this year wasn't so bad, except that my car died thanksgiving night as i was driving home from work at 1:30 in the morning, so i've been taking the train from milford to new haven every day. i'm pretty excited about the whole train concept, but getting to the train station is bothersome. i either have to walk the 3 miles, which lately with the cold is almost unbearable, take a cab ($15! for 3 miles!) or hope that mike doesn't leave too early (5 am) so he can drop me off. i've become quite train and bus savvy and i definitely think it'll be my mode of transportation come warmer weather.

so things have finally calmed down which means i can get my life back on track. the last four months have been a complete blur. i can't believe i'll be writing my fifth rent check on january 1st. i don't even know where all this time went. i thought by quitting one job and only working two, i'd have more time, but that wasn't the case considering i decided to drop down to 2 during the busiest time of year. good thing i left one though or else i'd really be burnt out. i'm working about three days a week at rudy's and four to five at grand vin. i only have sundays off which really isn't much. i was finally able to catch up on "chores" yesterday. a shit ton of laundry, cleaning, downloading music and a bikini kill marathon. it was surprisingly very relaxing to get everything done. emily asked me to cover her last night from 10-1. it was a good time frame.. got everything done with time to scarf down some dinner. i ended up making a really good amount of money for 3 hours so it worked out well.

i'm so excited the holidays are over and people can relaxxxxx, including me. the whole car situation is still pretty sticky, but i should have mike's car by wednesday (his died 3 days after mine). i'm just bummed because i applied for school next month and it turned out i wouldn't be able to get any financial aid due to a default loan and classes are $1000 for EACH class (it's a fucking STATE college!). so i saved up enough money to pay off my loan and my car fn breaks.. then mike's breaks. oh, universe, you are a trickster, you.

there's nothing i can really do so i'm just taking it one step at a time, but it would be so awesome of i could pay that loan off. wah.

it would also be awesome if a certain someone would pay me back the approx. $2000 they owe me.

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 13:45:03 GMT

i work pretty much every day, between eight and twelve hours a day, and yet i still don't have any money.

bogus.

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 23:11:12 GMT

for some reason everyone smells really bad today. normally i'd think it was me, but i took a shower with the best coconut soap this morning. and it's also not just one particular stench, it's a bunch.. each belonging to its owner.

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 00:20:47 GMT

T: "Where do you go when you just want to escape the world, where you want to feel safe, where you want a reminder that everything will be okay?"

D: "Any bookstore with a coffee shop."

***

I'm so tired. I can't seem to wake up in the morning. I went to bed at around 10.30 last night and still slept til 10 this morning. Bogus. Cloud Cult is playing in Danbury tomorrow.. or I can see Lemuria in Hamden. I think I'd rather see Lemuria. Danbury is such an annoying drive and I'm going to have to go that way on Friday for a fundraiser for my old high school. Things are super crazy right now. Especially since I just realized Thanksgiving (schmanksgiving) is in two weeks. Wtf. Where the hell did the last year go!?

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:26:57 GMT

SO TIRED.

My last day at the bowling alley was Saturday, thank god. Spent my first day off in a long time raking leaves, picking up tons of dog poop, mowing our tiny lawn with the silliest lawn mower I've ever used, buying picture frames for my Fucked Up and Jenny Lewis posters, eating (not so awesome like everyone said it was going to be) Indian-fusion food, drinking obscene amounts of coffee (I need to stop), and going to BAR, by myself, two hours early for the Vivian Girls show. My biggest mistake - buying myself a vodka/tonic with the intention of killing some time (at this point I didn't realize I was 2 hours early.. I figured the first band would start in a half hour). Standing around a bar by myself is pretty nerve racking - I never do it. I fidget, play with my phone, and if I have a drink in my hand whether it be non-alcoholic or otherwise, I sip it and pretty consistently. By the time people really began to show up, including friends I hadn't seen in a long time, I was already two v/t's in and my eyes were beginning to slit.

Vivian Girls were beyond awesome. I found them through a podcast back in July and strange enough, they were playing in Danbury a couple months later. Unfortunately, the venue in Danbury sucks ass for any live band and the sound guy was being a dbag when they were asking him to turn that up or turn this down. I knew they didn't suck so I was happy to see them get what they deserved at BAR.

...more later.

can i go to sleep now?

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 18:19:25 GMT

oh tuesday, how i can't wait to see you.

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 00:00:40 GMT

Besides being AMAZING, especially live, Jenny Lewis has fantastic boobs. I think she's the first female I've ever looked at and thought "damn.. she has amazing boobs". Maybe they just stand out because she's so gosh darn tiny, I don't know. When Kristin and I left the Shubert after seeing her last, it was the first comment we made to each other. Two girls thinking the same exact thing.. there had to be others.

Kristin and I had been waiting so long for last night.. we're both in love with Jenny Lewis and we had AWESOME seats. I could have touched her if I had the guts! I just wanted to buy her a beer and put her in my pocket.

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 15:39:59 GMT

religulous! go see it.

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 23:06:18 GMT

i got the job at rudy's! i've been waiting since june for this! i'm totally stoked! i'm even buying this to celebrate:

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 17:01:05 GMT

that was a pretty pissy entry. i thought about it and really it's nothing to get upset over. i had already prepared myself for some 'misinformation', so why get upset.

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 22:15:18 GMT

my uncle was supposed to call me last friday. no call. i emailed him and my aunt on monday asking if we could talk soon because i'm ridiculously excited and have a thousand questions. i haven't heard back from them. i've been getting random chain-emails from my uncle that all families seem to circulate. so he's obviously been checking his mail - so why isn't he replying to me? i'm trying to be patient but it's really hard. and now i'm thinking maybe they don't really want to talk to me. but after the email he sent me i can't really think that. he seemed just as overjoyed as i did.

i'm sending my father my letter in a couple days. we'll see what happens.. sigh. i just want some sort of response. even a "yeah, i'm your pops, now piss off" is fine. just something.

ive got way too much going on right now and my head has been in spin mode for about 3 weeks. yesterday was the first day i didn't do a single thing. it was awesome. actually, i played world of warcraft (nyuck) from 10am - 4:30pm then from 8p - midnight. yes. i've become one of those, what are they called?... "wow heads". it keeps me from getting into trouble, i will say that.

it looks like i'll be getting that job at rudy's afterall. i should find out tonight or tomorrow. i'm overloaded as far as work is concerned. if i get rudy's i'm going to have to quit the bowling alley. i'd rather work at rudy's anyways since that's where me and my friends go. the bowling alley is fun but i make NOTHING on sundays. i make about $25 in tips for 8 hours because those leagues just do not tip. i would be furious if i thought they knew any better, but they don't.

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 14:00:37 GMT

oh man. things just keep getting better and better. i didn't hear back from my uncle on friday which kind of bummed me out but i understand people get busy, especially on the weekends.

lindsey got married this weekend. holy crap! she was the first of my immediate friends to get married. mike and i took his motorcycle up to albany, took about 4 hours. it was an awesome ride up but damn, it was tiring. luckily we didn't look too disheveled, so we got changed at casey and sarah's hotel and made it just on time to the ceremony. it was a nice wedding. i'm pretty sure it was the quickest ceremony ever. it was over in less than 15 minutes and lindsey was giggling the entire time. typical lindsey. i love it. i got to see jana, justin, and some old friends, dance around like a "prancing pony" as casey, sarah and mike described me then the four of us hit up a strip club afterwards. no wait, a really expensive and crappy strip club.

the ride home was even better than the ride up. we took more back roads and ended up stopping in great barrington for pizza. the leaves are already starting to change. it seems to be happening earlier and earlier every year... i wonder why...

mike called me yesterday while i was on my way home from work and told me he had a gift for me. he said it's something i'm going to love with all my heart and it needs some fixing so it's 99% ready. i'm thinking he got me a bicycle or something because i'm thinking to myself "i know its not a pony". then he jokingly texts me saying he got me pony. we do that too often - read each other's minds and what not.

anyways, i get home and wait impatiently for him. he comes in with his mac in hand as if he's going to show me something on his laptop. he puts it down, goes upstairs and comes down... with HIS laptop!

he bought me a mac! #$*(&#$&#$!!! so stoked. its like my birthday or something! i woke up at 730 and rushed downstairs to play with it before i have to start doing my mental to do list today.

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 00:22:18 GMT

My uncle sent me a ton of photos of him, my aunts, my cousins, my grandmother and grandfather. He doesn't have anything of my father since the early seventies.

That's my dad, "Mits", on the right.

It's scary how much I resemble my aunt and twin cousins.

My aunt Kathy, my cousin Tischa, my uncle Ron and my cousin Cortney.

My uncle's ex wife, my grandmother, Dad and aunt Kathy.

An awesome pic of my grandfather studying at the academy.. academy of what, I don't know.

My uncle is supposed to call me tonight. I've been going crazy all day waiting for the phone to ring. Gah!

Fri, 19 Sep 2008 14:31:33 GMT

!!!!

I've been talking with my (just found) aunt Doris through email and my uncle Ron (dad's brother) is going to be calling me today! They're also emailing me some pictures of my dad (!!!!), grandmother, grandfather, aunt Kathy and cousins! My aunt Doris and uncle say that I look so much like my aunt Kathy when she was young that it's scary. I'm about to burst into tears! This is just way too exciting.

I'm stoked to see what my family looks like because I've never even seen a picture! I'm more stoked to see my father. I have no idea what he could possibly look like.

eeee!!!!!!!!!!!

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 16:32:16 GMT

i talked to my aunt last night. as in, my FATHERS sister-in-law!

i wish i could put into words how amazing this is. i've been spending an hour up to seven hours a day trying to locate my dad or any of his relatives. a week ago my mom informed me that although she met him in california, his family was originally from new orleans. so i started looking up luxich's in new orleans and voila! i was a little hesitant to call this one lady whose name kept appearing on every website. i wasn't sure what was going on with the hurricanes and all and i felt it wasn't a very appropriate time to drop the "i'm part of your fam" bomb.

i found her email on another genealogy website and decided to give it a whirl. it turns out she's married to my fathers' younger brother (my uncle). unfortunately, he's been missing for a number of years. i'm guessing longer than i've been alive. she was asking ME questions about his whereabouts, his life, etc. i had to kindly remind her that i have never met him, that's why i'm calling her. i got a little upset when she said that his brother and his mother assumed he was dead. his mother passed away 6 years ago and it sounds like he doesn't even know.

i gave her more information than she gave me - he was married twice before i was born, served in the air force, lived in sonoma county, lives in washington now, doesn't own any property, etc. but, it was very comforting to hear her say in her adorable southern accent, "we've got a niece out there and we didn't even know!". she really didn't sound shocked at all. she sounded more relieved that there is some sort of trace on Milton "Lou" Luxich, who no one has seen for years.